The Order of the Phoenix - unedited
by Mother Mercury
Summary: JK Rowling went insane, so I've got the job of writing the fifth book. Unfortunately, I've got no idea what it's supposed to be about, so I'm sort of making it up as I go along. I've also got a habit of typing what I think, and have yet to edit out my lit
1. Default Chapter

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Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix

Chapter One

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A Very Special Gift (why would I call the chapter that? There's no special gift… or is there?)

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The Worst Birthday (Um, isn't there a chapter in one of the other books called that?) 

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The Stupid Chapter That The Author Couldn't Think Of A Name For (I'll just go back and change it after.)

Severus Snape was a man by the name of… uh… Severus Snape. He worked as the Hogwarts Master of Potions School of Witchcraft and… no, wait… Witchcraft Master of Wizarding Hogwarts School… no, that's not it… uh… wait, I know this line…

At Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, there was a Potions Master by the name of Severus Snape. This is where our story begins… in his… uh… damn it!

Our story begins at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where a man by the name of Severus Snape taught Potions. 

That's it! I did it… uh, oh yeah, right, the story… no, this isn't even how the book is supposed to start anyway. Give me a break, we don't begin with Snape, it's always Potter, _always_! Well, yes, there was the Goblet of Breadcrumbs, I mean, Fire that started with Voldemort, but not Snape. Never Snape. 

Our story begins at 4 Privet Drive, where a boy by the name of Harry Potter is celebrating his fifteenth birthday. Celebrating is, perhaps, an overstatement. There will be no party and few presents, but he's happy all the same.

Spammit, this still isn't right. Gosh, writing these books is a lot harder than I thought it'd be. Too bad JK Rowling isn't around anymore. Poor lass drove herself insane fantasizing over Snape, a fictional character; one she created, no less. Wow, glad I'm not that sad. 'Course, now I'm stuck with writing this… why am I typing my thoughts out anyway? I'll edit them out after. Let's get back to the story.

Night had fallen on Privet Drive. The lights of the street lamps reflected off the wet street, the stars twinkled against the blue velvet curtain of the sky and the moon was clear and bright - almost too bright.

Cripes, how lame is that? Honestly, I pay far too much attention in English class.

Harry Potter stared out of his window, waiting for Hedwig. She had been away for nearly a fortnight, yet, she still hadn't returned. Surely Sirius couldn't be that far away, it had only been a month since Harry last saw him. He couldn't have been captured, Harry would have heard about it. He had been getting the wizarding world newspaper, the Daily Prophet, delivered to him. If Sirius had been arrested, it would've been on the front page. Harry glanced over at thirty days worth of newspapers sitting on his floor. He couldn't throw them out, because the Dursley's would find out about them and if they did, they would have his neck.

Just his luck, eh? Poor Potter… oh, wait, I'm supposed to glorify him, aren't I? Spammit.

They despised anything to do with Harry's world. Living with them had become more of a nightmare than before. The incident with the Ton-Tongue Toffees had left a lasting effect on all three of them; Harry couldn't imagine why. The effect on Dudley Dursley seemed to be a good one however. Ever since, he had been petrified of anything sweet. When Harry left for school last year, he was the size and weight of a young killer whale. When Harry returned, he was the size and weight of, well, a normal fifteen-year old boy. Dudley now had a girlfriend, who seemed to be at the house every waking moment. Her name was Sophie, and she hated Harry too. She never talked to him, which was fine with Harry because he thought she looked like a Shar-pei.

So, Dudley's a ladies man, and Harry's got no one? On _no_! Spammit, _glorifying, glo-o-orifying_.

Harry glanced down at his desk with his homework was scattered all over it. He still had a month to finish it, but he thought it best to get it done before he left for the Burrow in three days. Defense Against The Dark Arts was the topic of the moment, with only five more questions to go, all of them reviewing the Unforgivable Curses they had learned about at the beginning of last year.

1. What are the three Unforgivable Curses?

The Imperius Curse, the Cruciatus Curse and Avada Kedavra.

2. What does each curse do to its victim?

The Imperius Curse allows the person who placed the curse to control the victim. The Cruciatus Curse tortures the victim. Avada Kedavra is the killing curse.

3. What is the punishment for using one of these curses?

A life term in Azkaban.

4. Are there any counter curses for any of them?

The Imperius and Cruciatus Curses can be fought with strength of mind. Avada Kedavra has no counter curse.

5. Has anyone ever survived the killing curse?

Yes, I did.

Maybe I should've made the homework harder… don't want to stress poor Potter's brain though, do I? Wait a minute, he's fictional, _fictional_.

Harry put his papers into a stack on the corner of his desk, having completely finished his homework for the summer. But, he still had one more question. Who was going to be their new teacher? No Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher had lasted more than a year. Professor Quirrell was a servant to Lord Voldemort. Professor Lockhart was a brainless git who forged his entire career. Professor Lupin had been the best by far, but resigned when everyone found out he was a werewolf. Finally, there was Mad Eye Moody. But, in reality, Moody never taught Harry. The whole year, another man had impersonated Moody and fooled the entire school; Harry didn't like remembering this.

I hate this recapping stuff. When does the story start? If people don't know this stuff already, they should go back and read the first four books instead of going straight to the fifth. Honestly, some people.

Then there was Severus Snape, the Potions Master who desperately wanted the DADA job. Of course, this would be terrible for Harry - Snape hated him, despised him, loathed him. If Snape taught DADA, it would turn the school year into a living hell for Harry. The very thought of this caused Harry's blood to boil.

But he's so sexy, he can't be _that_ bad. I have the power to control this now… MWAA HA HA! Brilliant! Ooh, I'm going to have so much fun.

There was still no sign of Hedwig. Harry glanced at his watch, which still didn't work, so it was a pretty pointless thing to do. However, his bedside clock told him it was eleven thirty-five. He knew he couldn't stay up all night waiting for his owl, he just wanted for her to be here for his birthday; she was the only one in the house who ever celebrated it with him. He always received letters and gifts from Ron, Hermione, Hagrid and, as of a year ago, Sirius too. The Dursley's paid no attention to Harry's birthday whatsoever. Midnight was getting closer and closer. The moon still shone with an eerie brightness, the stars still twinkled on its velvet backdrop and the wind rustled the tree leaves, whistling at Harry's ears. It brushed through Harry's hair, causing it to be messier than it usually was.

I wonder what Harry would look like with purple hair, or pink, or blue, or… uh, yeah, the story.

Harry felt something graze against his ear, then he heard a thud behind him. He spun around to see a small, gray owl ricocheting of the wall. Pigwidgeon, Ron's owl, had a package tied around his leg. Harry picked Pig up, placed him gently inside Hedwig's cage, poured him some water and gave him a few Owl Pellets. The package on his leg was very lumpy and badly wrapped. It also looked, well, moldy; little green tufts had sprouted all over the brown paper wrappings and the string that bound it together was frayed and tattered. Harry threw the package onto his bed; he couldn't open it yet, not for another ten minutes.

No! Open it! I want to know what it is! Oh, I control that too, don't I? Better think up something sharpish then.

Two more owls flew into Harry's room, neither of them were Hedwig. A large tawny owl that paled in comparison to the gigantic eagle owl that sat beside it; Harry had never seen an owl of this size. He walked over to the windowsill where they were perched. The tawny owl was from Hermione and it had a small package bound to its leg that was wrapped in emerald green paper. The eagle owl was from Hogwarts; it had a letter from the school and a gift from Hagrid secured to it. The gift was quite heavy, probably why they had to use such a large owl.

Harry now had three gifts for his birthday. He had to wait another five minutes until his birthday, until he could open his gifts. A strong breeze blew through his room. Harry got up to close the window, took another glance at the ghostly moon and sat down on his bed to open the manila envelope from Hogwarts.

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HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore  
(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. Of Wizards)

Ain't that special?

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Dear Mr. Potter

Please note that the new school year will begin on September the first. The Hogwarts Express will be departing from platform nine and three-quarters at eleven o'clock. A list of supplies is enclosed. We also ask that you read the notice.

Yours sincerely

Professor M. McGonagall  
Deputy Headmistress

Harry pulled out a second piece of parchment.

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Uniform

Fifth year students require

1. Three sets of black robes

2. One black pointed hat with silver trimming

3. One winter cloak with gold fastenings

4. One set of dress robes

5. Protective socks

Books

The Standard Book of Spells (Grade 5) by Miranda Goshawk

Foreign Plants and Their Uses by Phyllida Spore

The Worlds Most Deadly Potions by Arsenius Jigger

An Intermediate Guide to Transfiguration by Emeric Switch

Dangerous Beasts and Gentle Creatures by Elie Fant

Supplies

Fifth year students will require

1. A silver-plated cauldron (size 7)

2. A magnascope

3. One set of peridot phials

One last piece of parchment fell out of the envelope

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ATTENTION ALL STUDENTS

Everyone third year and older will be pleased to know the Professor R. Lupin will be rejoining the Hogwarts faculty this year.

Yours truly,

Albus Dumbledore

Headmaster

Yay! He's really sexy too!

Harry's clock beeped to signal it was midnight and sense of great joy flooded Harry's body. His favorite teacher was returning to Hogwarts; he wouldn't have to put up with a new DADD teacher, the best one was coming back. This also meant he wouldn't have to put up with the Slytherins as much - Lupin liked them about as much as Harry did.

Harry took Hermione's gift and opened the letter that was taped onto it.

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Dear Harry

Happy birthday once again! I hope this got to you on time, I'm on holiday in Bulgaria and couldn't find any owls. It's too bad you couldn't spend the summer at the Burrow, but Professor Dumbledore knows best. Ron told me you're staying with them in August. I'll be staying there for the last week of holidays, so I guess I'll see you then!

As I mentioned before, I'm on holiday in Bulgaria, visiting Viktor. There is some incredible wizarding history, I took loads of pictures, you can see them at the Burrow. You'll never guess who I saw here! Gilderoy Lockhart! I didn't talk to him, of course, he was busy talking to a statue of Whita the Wacky. It seems the memory charms effects haven't worn off yet.

I have so much to tell you, but I can't fit it all on this parchment. I'll see you in a few weeks.

Love

Hermione

Harry ripped the shimmering green paper off his gift. It was a tiny golden model of a Firebolt. Its tail twigs were moving slightly, as if it was flying through the air. As Harry admired the minute details of the broomstick, he heard a rustling of paper beside him. Looking over, he saw a tiny person emerging from the green wrapping paper. It was a figurine of Daemon Sunderland, the Seeker for England. The little, blue clad man hopped up onto Harry's knee, clambered onto the Firebolt and started zooming around the room. It was a strange sight to see, a two-inch tall man flying a golden broomstick. Harry saw a small note attached to the paper.

I wonder if he'd get hurt if you poked him…

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Harry,

This is a Firebolt model and the little man is England's Seeker, Daemon Sunderland. He will fly around all day, then return to wherever the stand is at night or when you call it. It's like those little models they were selling at the Quidditch World Cup last year. Viktor suggested that this might be something you would like.

Hermione

Harry managed to tear his eyes away from Sunderland to open his gift from Hagrid. It was wrapped in gray paper with pictures of stars on it, and inside he found a blue velvet bag with a piece of silver cord tied around the top.

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Dear Harry

Happy Birthday! Hope the Muggles aren't treating you too badly.

These are Twilight stones; Firenze gave them to me. Centaurs use them for some kind of star magic, I'm not sure what, but I thought they were very pretty. Hope you can find some use for them.

Best wishes

See you September 1st

Hagrid

Harry untied the silver cord and tipped the contents of the bag onto his bed; five magnificent blue-violet stones fell out. They gleamed in the light as though they had real stars in them. Harry picked one up and examined it - it was slightly transparent and when he held it up to the lamp on his bedside table, he could see silver and gold flecks glittering from within, like a miniature galaxy. It was so mesmerizing Harry didn't want to break his gaze. Each stone seemed to have a different pattern of gold, like constellations. One looked like a unicorn, another like a hippogriff and if it weren't for an odd smell spreading around the room, Harry would never have broken his gaze.

A smell, a god-awful stench entered Harry's nose. It was disgusting, so vile that it made Harry's eye's water. Where was it coming from? He opened his window again and started to wave his arms like a windmill, trying to get the malodor out. As he was doing this, he noticed the final gift lying on his bed. Ron's gift was now greener than ever and the air around it seemed to be quivering. That was where the stink was coming from.

Oo-er, what could it be? I've got to think something up! Now, what smells…?

Harry wished he could use magic outside of school so he wouldn't have to smell this dreadful smell. Then Harry remembered something, something that made him glad his room was full of Dudley's old junk. A few years ago, Aunt Petunia put Dudley in swimming lessons. He failed, of course, he wasn't able to stop himself from sinking. There was a pair of nose plugs in here somewhere, if only Harry could remember where. With one hand pinching his nose, he began to search the room.

Wow, brilliant Potter and his brilliant idea. _Glorifying_… he _is_ the hero of the story.

Eventually, Harry found the plugs behind his chest of school equipment. He pinched them on his nose and seated himself on his bed. The fraying strings snapped as Harry picked up the package; the furry brown-green wrappings peeled off revealing a letter attached to another package, which was completely covered in mold. Harry unfolded the letter and read his friends untidy scrawl.

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To Harry

Happy birthday! How's life with the Muggles? Not too bad, I hope. Did they still remember the toffee accident? Hope they didn't take it out on you, it was Fred and George's fault. Mum still gets at them a bit for that.

I can't say too much to you right now, we won't have anything to talk about when you get here. Hope you like the gift. It's from Romania. Charlie brought it with him when he came to visit.

See you soon

Ron

With much reluctance, Harry began to pull the paper off his gift. What he saw... well, it looked like a perfectly ordinary wristwatch. He examined it closely, admiring the golden hands and leather strap - it seemed to be quite normal, except for the smell. He picked up the small note crumpled in the wrappings.

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Harry,

All right, I'll try my best to explain this to you. This is a special Romanian Divination watch. It works like normal, tells the time and stuff. But, it can tell when something bad is going to happen and gives off a real bad smelling gas. It's probably a piece of junk like that Sneakoscope I gave you. So, if it start smelling, don't take it too seriously. I'll bet it's as fake as Trelawney's predictions. Eventually, It'll run out of that stinky stuff and will just be a normal watch. I knew you needed one since yours broke during the Tournament.

Ron.

The smell was becoming quite overpowering, even through the nose plugs. Harry grabbed a large, puke-green sock (one of Uncle Vernon's), crammed the watch in it and shoved it away is his dresser. He really didn't need to know the time that badly. Hopefully, the smell would dissipate within a day or so.

Probably smells as nice as you do. You've only had one bath in the last four years. They'll start to call you Dirty Harry at school if you don't wash more often.

Great happiness rested in Harry's heart. Lupin was returning; he had only two days left with the Dursleys; he received some great gifts from his friends; and he could just feel that the day would be great. Great, even though Sophie would be coming around to see Dudley that afternoon. He flopped back on his bed and gazed through the window at the orange street lamps. He might've fallen asleep, but it was doubtful. The next thing he remembered was a great white something swooping down onto the foot of the bed and feeling a sharp peck on his foot.

'Mwerf... Hedwig, is that you?' Harry mumbled, rubbing his eyes at the bright sunlight that was now flooding his room. His owl hooted harshly. 'Be quiet, Hedwig, you'll wake the Dursleys. What do you have?' He noticed the Daily Prophet next to the owl. 'Where did you get that? Where's the delivery owl?' He unfolded it and his eyes fell upon the large, black front-page headline.

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Sirius Black, Captured At Last.

Perhaps I should end the chapter here. A nice cliffhanger, those always go over well. Honestly, I don't know how I made it this far. How the hell did JK do it? I've still got another twenty chapters to go, and still no plot line! I only know the title. _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_. Yea, I really get a lot of inspiration from that. Why, oh why did I have to get stuck with this job? And Scholastic just called to say I can't take all the liberties I want, like making Snape get naked and stuff. Got to stick to how it was before, Potter's the hero, Snape is a bad, bad man who is mean to poor Potter. _Honestly_…


	2. next stupid chapter

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Order Harry and The Phoenix of the Potter (that's not it…)

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Phoenix Potter and The Order of the Harry (still not it…)

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Harry Phoenix and The Order of the Potter (something still doesn't look right…)

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Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix (got it… I hope…)

Chapter Two

(I'm not even going to bother this time) _The Next Stupid Chapter, Also One The Author Couldn't Think Up A Name For_

Harry's heart stopped in his chest and the air was sucked out of his lungs. He couldn't believe the headline he was reading; it couldn't be true, could it? He forced himself to start breathing again and read the article. His green eyes skimmed over it, picking up little phrases like, _Sirius Black, escaped murderer… runaway from Azkaban…found badly beaten… barely identifiable… revealing dental test… relief for all society, magic and Muggle alike_. 

I don't believe it! Why did he have to die? He was almost as hot as Snape.

Fury and disbelief welled in Harry's body, Sirius couldn't be dead, it just wasn't possible. Whoever wrote the article was wrong; it was probably Rita Skeeter again, that was it. That stupid woman, who ruins people's lives for a living, she was the one who wrote these lies. Harry's eyes flew back to the article – written by special correspondent… Caesar Kaiser. He threw the newspaper across his room to hit his wardrobe with a loud bang. He didn't care if the Dursleys woke up; Uncle Vernon could come into his room right then and shout himself blue in the face before Harry gave a toss about them. Hedwig gave a loud hoot and pecked him on the foot again, signaling her head over to the window.

What could it be? Perhaps another stinky watch? Or Snape coming to tell you how much he still hates you?

'Not right now, Hedwig!' He shouted at his owl, who persisted to hoot indignantly until Harry finally jumped to his feet angrily and opened the window to shove her outside. 'Get out righ…'

A mass of brown feathers cut Harry off and knocked him backward into his desk. A disgruntled looking tawny owl settled itself next to Hedwig on the foot of Harry's bed and stuck out its leg impatiently. Harry scrambled to his feet and quickly untied the letter from the grumpy owl's leg, with fear that it might peck his fingers off if he didn't do it promptly and chucked the two owls some pellets as he unrolled the yellow parchment to read the green ink.

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Dear Harry,

I don't know how long this will take to get to you, but I hope that you haven't begun to panic yet. I'm not dead, I am at Hogwarts. There's too much to explain on this parchment, I need to talk with you face to face as soon as possible. Albus is coming to get you and bring you here today, July 31st, so you need to have your things together by three o'clock this afternoon. I know you are supposed to be staying with Ron in August, but we have sent a letter to him explaining that you can't come, but he and his family are welcome to come back here for the rest of summer. I'm sorry I have to cut your vacation short, but it's imperative you come here. Send this owl back with a reply. We will see you in a few hours, until then, don't worry about this, just don't leave the house.

Sirius.

PS: Happy Birthday

YAY! Had me worried there, Sirius. Hold up, I control him too, don't I? I'm going slightly mad…

***

Harry snapped down the lid of his suitcase and set it next to his cauldron, which contained his books, Firebolt and Hedwig's cage. He could hear Uncle Vernon's booming laughter and Aunt Petunia's little snickering through the door. They would, of course, be even more pleased with getting Harry out of the house two days sooner. 

So would I, stupid annoying fart… uh, never mind.

He ran down the stairs, unintentionally skipping every other step; his heart hadn't returned to its normal pace since he read the newspaper. Dudley and Sophie were sitting on the sofa, doing something that made Harry avert his eyes very quickly. Aunt Petunia came into the living room and set a plate of biscuits on the coffee table in front of them, giving Harry a cold look before she returned to the kitchen. Uncle Vernon was sitting at the table, his large, purple face completely hidden by _The Daily Express_. Another booming laugh echoed throughout the house.

Harry decided he wanted in on what Dudley and Sophie were doing, so he went back into the living room and started kissing Dudley passionately… no, I'm not allowed to do that, am I?

'Here's another good one, Petunia. A Rabbi, a Priest and a Bishop walk into a crematorium…' He lowered the newspaper. 'What do you want, boy?' He snapped at Harry. 

'I just thought you'd like to know that I'm leaving today, instead of the second of August. The Headm…' He nearly said the Headmaster of Hogwarts, but held his tongue just in time. Any reference to his school would send Uncle Vernon flying through the roof. 'They're coming to get me at three o'clock this afternoon.'

'Fine. How are "they" getting here? I will not stand to have my fireplace blown apart by one of your sort again, understood?' Harry clenched his teeth. He knew full well that the fireplace had been fixed properly last time and that his uncle was just prejudiced against anyone magical. But, he didn't really know how Professor Dumbledore was going to be getting there. Certainly he knew enough about the Dursleys not to cause anything out of the ordinary? 

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

'Don't worry…' He was cut off by Dudley and Sophie staggering into the room, hand in hand, looking very disorientated. Sophie's bleached-blonde hair had come down from its ponytail and was plastered to her dog-like face. Dudley's pink face was pinker than ever and his mop of thick, white-blonde hair was flying all over the place. Harry pretended to be fascinated with his feet to stop himself laughing.

Oo-er, look at my feet. They're fascinating because I'm Harry Potter. My feet are far more interesting than yours.

'Oh, Dinky Diddy-Dums, did you find the biscuits Mummy left you?' Aunt Petunia asked in her fake, sickeningly sugarcoated voice, as she placed a large plate of bacon and eggs in front of Uncle Vernon.

'Yeah, Mum, but they're chocolate biscuits. You know how I feel about chocolate, plus, I've got that big rugby game tonight. I'm gonna go all pasta today, you know, Coach likes me to keep my carbinohydrapes up.' Dudley might have been slimmer than before, but he was still dumb as a pig.

You can shove the bloody carbinohydrapes up Harry's ass…

'Ooh, my Dudley-kins is so buff!' Sophie cooed, causing Harry to nearly gag on his tongue. She glared at Harry with disgust, having heard the slight snicker he gave. 'Maybe _Harry_ should make Dudley some spaghetti, Mrs. Dursley.'

OK, so Harry can shove the bloody carbinohydrapes up his _own_ ass…

'Good idea, dear. You heard her, boy, go on, you know where we keep the pasta.' She snapped at him, while smiling kindly at Sophie. Harry sighed and proceeded to make Dudley's meal, thinking only of the somewhat happy thought of leaving in four hours. What could Sirius possible need to talk to him about that was so imperative? Why shouldn't he leave the house? Many questions fluttered around Harry's head, which he knew he couldn't answer, yet couldn't ignore. 

The voices… in my head… ask me questions. Can you hear them? They are pretty and pink…

He had spent the last month worrying about Voldemort and the Death Eaters, as they had returned to full power. The newspapers had precious little news about this, if any, and Ron had heard nothing about it. Harry wondered why, if he now had all his strength back, Voldemort hadn't wreaked havoc on both magic and Muggle communities, like he had done years ago. He never showed any remorse for killing those countless many victims before, why was he not showing himself? Harry supposed he should be happy about this, yet he couldn't shake the idea that Voldemort was off planning some horrid scheme, far worse than anything imaginable.

'Back to earth, boy!' Came a thundering voice from behind Harry. 'Get your mind off the moon and back to my son's lunch!' A fizzing, hissing sound came from the stove and Harry realized the water in the pot had boiled over and was now all over his feet. He flicked the burner off and sopped the scalding water off the floor with a towel, which he shouldn't have done and soon realized as a screech cried out from the doorway. 

Oh _no_! Poor Potter's precious feet (five points for alliteration).

'My good towels! How dare you…' Aunt Petunia wailed, sprinting over to Harry and wrenching the towel from his hands. She glowered at him, her lips pursed tightly over horse-like teeth. 'Go,' she hissed, barely moving her mouth. 'Stay in your room until your "friends" come to get you.'

Harry left the kitchen quite gladly and returned to his room, thinking that three o'clock couldn't come soon enough.

***

Harry sat on the edge of his bed, watching the little Daemon Sunderland flying around the room, and periodically glancing at his clock with impatience. The minutes were as long as hours and every second ticked by with anticipation. A little man on a tiny, golden broomstick was only so interesting and Harry was soon cracking open 'Flying With The Cannons' for the twentieth time. He watched as the Seeker in bright orange robes dove down the pitch and pulled up just in time to send the Bristol Banana's Seeker crashing into the ground. He itched to go have a good run on his Firebolt and practice the Wronski Feint, but he didn't want to disobey Sirius' orders or have Professor Dumbledore show up and have to wait with the Dursleys until he got back. 

Bristol Bananas? I'm losing my touch.

Harry passed the time this way until his clock beeped two o'clock. Only one more hour left and then he would be out of Privet Drive for eleven months. Eleven months with no more Dudley and Sophie making out any time there was a spare room or Uncle Vernon snapping about his messy hair (which Aunt Petunia had refused to touch since he started going to Hogwarts, as if she was afraid it would burn her fingers off). 

I wouldn't touch it either. Hasn't been washed in six months.

He sighed and flopped back on his bed. Hedwig hooted as the little Sunderland flew into the back of her head with a thud, apologized a squeaky 'sorry' and mounted his broom again. Harry grinned and closed his eyes, just for a minute, to think about what Sirius could possibly need to talk to him about. It wasn't a happy thought and his eyes were soon open and staring at the black birds through the window again. 

Happy thoughts, he told himself. Think about happy things. He wondered who else would be at Hogwarts when he got there. Maybe Professor Lupin would have arrived already, as he and Sirius were friends; hopefully Snape wouldn't be there to make the rest of his summer as miserable as school time, besides, he hated both Sirius and Lupin. Unless, thought Harry, this had something to do with Voldemort, in which case, Snape would probably be there. He shuddered and decided he should stop thinking, as all his thoughts seemed to turn bad.

I'm surprised he thinks at all.

Another half an hour passed, three quarters of an hour, ten minutes to go. Harry got up and went to check his things and make sure he hadn't forgotten anything. The smelly watch was safely inside its sock in the cauldron, along with all his most prized belongings, except for the Invisibility Cloak, which was in his suitcase. Hedwig hooted reassuringly and flew over to his shoulder as he rummaged through his cauldron, mentally checking things off. The little Sunderland crashed into the side of the cauldron and fell of his broom.

Silly lad. I wonder if that hurt him…

'Hey, you'd better get back onto your stand before I leave, unless you want to be left here for the Dursleys to shove you in the trash compactor.' Harry told him and held out the stand for him to fly back onto. A small pop came from behind him, which he ignored, thinking it was coming from outside and continued to rummage through his things.

'Lord, Potter, will you turn around?' came a horribly familiar, slick and slimy voice that made Harry's heart stop dead in his chest as he slowly turned to face the monstrosity standing behind him, Professor Snape. 

AH! YAY! What I would give to get Snape in my bedroom…

'What… are… you… doing… here?' He asked slowly, in a shaken voice.

To… kill… you…

'What do you think, Potter? I'm here with the God-awful task of picking you up, foolish boy. Dumbledore couldn't make it, so he sent me. Now get your things and lets get going.' Snape ordered, pointing his bony finger towards his cauldron. 'Bit of a shabby place you've got here. I'm sure you think it's nice, but it's quite common compared to the Snape Manor.' He commented acidly as Harry shoved the last couple things into his suitcase. 'Heard you don't really like these Muggles you live with, Potter. I pity them for having to put up with you in their home. You should be grateful, I wouldn't let you within a mile of my home...'

What I would give to get within a mile of Snape's home…

'Shut your filthy mouth!' Harry cried, trembling with anger. 'You'll wear your tongue out and we won't be able to mak passionately later on.'

OK, scratch that last bit.

'Oh, be quiet, Potter.' He muttered and rolled his eyes. 'Come on, we've got to go. Give me your hand.' He seized Harry's sleeve; Harry's reaction was to wrench his arm back, but Snape was too strong.

Snapey is so buff.

'What are you doing?' He demanded, still pulling his arm insistently.

Snape shook his head exasperatedly. 'I have to bind you to me so we can Apparate out of here, idiot boy. Hold still, will you?' He grasped Harry's hand into his own, with a definite shudder from both of them, and pointed his wand at them. '_Appareo necto nex_.' He muttered, adding 'If Dumbledore would have just let me knock him out, this would be one hell of a lot easier.' A very fine golden thread flew from the tip his wand, twisting itself around their hands and binding them together.

Harry gave him a disgusted look. 'How long is this going to last?'

'Only a couple minutes,' he replied, returning the look with one equally disgusted. 'Hold onto your things, close your eyes and concentrate on Hogwarts. You have to concentrate hard, or we'll both get Splinched. Trust me, Potter, if you get me Splinched, you won't live to get the rest of your body back.'

Wonder which body part would get left behind… stop it, Mercury. Don't be so dirty!

Harry seized his cauldron and Snape grasped onto the handle of his suitcase. 'Hedwig, meet us at Hogwarts, all right?' Harry told his owl, who gave a positive hoot and flew out the window. He closed his eyes and concentrated on his school with all his might. A great pressure came upon him, as if his brain was going to be squished down to his feet and two small pops beat against his eardrums, lifting the pressure.

What is _with_ Potter's feet?

'You can open your eyes now, Potter, we're here.' Harry opened his eyes a crack and saw the Entrance Hall materialize in front of him. His first reflex was to pull his hand away from Snape's and wipe it on his jeans, out the corner of his eye Snape appeared to be doing the same. 'If I find one of my toes missing, I'm coming straight to you, Potter. Let's go. Your "friends" are with Dumbledore. Leave your stuff here, I'll get the house-elves to bring it up.' He set off down the long corridor, his black robes billowing behind him. Harry set off, careful to keep a few steps behind him until they reached to gargoyle that signified the entrance to Professor Dumbledore's quarters of the Hogwarts castle.

Bending down to brush himself off, Snape noticed that indeed one of his fingers was missing. Only, it wasn't really a finger, more like a big thumb… a big crotch thumb. Well, whatever it was, it wasn't there anymore and Snape was furious. 

'Potter!' He cried, lunging at Harry. 'You lost my…'

Uh, never mind that. That will be put safely back into the gutter where it belongs.

'Pepper imp,' Snape muttered, and the gargoyle sprang aside, letting them enter and go up the moving staircase to the office. They opened the door and Sirius jumped to his feet, his eyes darting from Snape to Harry and back fixing a glare onto Snape again.

'He didn't hurt you, did he Harry?' He asked, not removing his glare from Snape.

'Yes, he did, Sirius," Harry moaned. 'His… er… thing… got left behind, and he took mine! Waah!"

Heh, there I go again. Bad Mercury, bad!

'Of course I didn't hurt him, fool,' Snape muttered in reply. 'You know I would never intentionally hurt the boy.'

'Very well, thank you Severus,' called Professor Dumbledore from behind his desk. 'Harry, nice to see you here and healthy.'

Harry strained a grin, feeling more worried now he was there about why they needed to speak with him so urgently. Sirius patted his shoulder and led him over to the sofa in the corner where Professor Lupin was sitting.

'Harry, good to see you again,' he shook his hand in a brotherly fashion. Harry sat down between him and his godfather; Snape sat on the far chair. His heart was pounding so fast he thought for sure that Sirius could hear it. Dumbledore peered at the four of them from over top of his half-moon spectacles.

'Sirius, Remus, you two best know the situation, explain to Harry why we had to call him back here.'

Oh, cripes. This is where I actually have to think up a plot. Well, that could take a while, so I'll leave off here. O'course, you know that once I start trying to think up a plot, more dirty suggestions will filter into my brain somehow. I blame the government.


	3. yet another stupid chapter

Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix

Chapter Three

The Stupid Chapter That Sucks A Lot, Even Though It Got Edited Fifteen Billion Times.

Albus Dumbledore walked alone down the corridors of his school, looking with pride at the great stone walls, shining suits of armor and exquisite paintings. He liked the summer break, as he usually had the entire castle to himself for the whole two months. He pondered upon the whereabouts of the Potions Master, Severus Snape; a worried feeling settled in the pit of his stomach at the thought of what he may be doing at that very moment. 

No worries, I've got him right here. *Pets her little Severus. * Good boy.

He strode down into the Potions dungeon and sat cross-legged upon a table in the center of the room. Staring at the walls, he took his wand from his robes and set a stream of silver and gold stars shooting around. They fell upon the floor and disappeared after a few seconds.

Ah, pretty… *pets her Severus again. * Yes, you are pretty too…

He wondered about how Sirius Black was doing at Remus Lupin's home. He was safe there, Dumbledore knew that, yet with no word on Voldemort in a long while, he couldn't help but worry a bit. 

I know what they're doing. *Enter cackling of power. *

He sat for another thirty minutes, firing colored stars and small birds all over the place. This eventually became a little boring, so he got up and left the cold room. A nice breakfast in the Great Hall, under the enchanted ceiling would please him. He always enjoyed looking at the ceiling; he never got tired its mysterious quality. The many secrets the Hogwarts castle held intrigued him, as he knew he could never find them all. 

Dumbledore knew of only a few - the secrets that had been passed down from headmaster to headmistress. One told that each of the four house founders put a barrier on the Hogwarts castle, so those they thought not fit to enter could not come in. Rowena Ravenclaw made the castle un-plottable; Helga Hufflepuff put the _jacalus _charm on it, which made the castle appear as a shack to all those without magic in their blood; Salazar Slytherin put the anti-Apparition spell on it; and finally, the barrier of Godric Gryffindor is un-known. He knew that only the descendants of these four founders could control or remove these barriers. Thankfully, Voldemort did not know this, as, having Salazar Slytherin as an ancestor, he could remove the anti-Apparition spell if he wanted.

Fancy that, what a random piece of information. I bet it's completely irrelevant to what's going to happen later on in the book.

Most of the things Dumbledore knew about the castle did not prove to be anything of much interest. Such as the small inscription of the wall of the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, that said simply, once you had translated it, "Grindylows are bad." Many of the classrooms had little messages inscribed on the walls that said very silly things such as "never turn your quills into worms".

Well, it's good advice, really.

Dumbledore strode down the Entrance Hall and was about to open the doors to the Great Hall when he heard two small pops come from behind him. He spun around to see a tall man, with shaggy black hair and a slightly shorter man with dusty brown hair standing there, both shaking and wearing looks of great confusion. 

'Sirius, Remus, what are you doing here?' Dumbledore ran over to them.

'I was just wondering the same thing…' Sirius Black said, turning to the Headmaster. 

'How did you get here?'

'We were Apparating to Hogsmead… but, we came here instead… I don't know how…' Remus Lupin stammered in reply.

'Come in here,' Dumbledore led them into the Great Hall. 'You need some food, then you can tell me what happened.'

***

Sirius and Remus were barely able to eat half of their chicken sandwiches; they were shaking so much. Sirius tried to start explaining, but Dumbledore wouldn't let them speak until they had eaten something.

'I suppose I've made you two eat enough now, tell me what happened.' He nodded and leant forward, showing interest.

'We were in the forest last night, because it was a full moon.' Remus began. 'We came back to my house just as the sun was rising and… there was a Dark Mark hovering over it… or at least, what was left of it…'

Sirius took over. 'We decided we needed to get away from there and to the safest place possible, so we were going to Apparate to Hogsmead and then walk up here… but, we Apparated straight here instead, by accident. But, Albus, I thought you couldn't Apparate inside the Hogwarts grounds?' 

'That's correct… I have no clue why you were able to…' A small pop cut him off. They all knew what it was and ran into the Entrance Hall just in time to see the Potions Master collapse, trembling and shivering, onto the floor.

WHAT? I thought I chained you up! You broke your leash again, bad boy!

'Severus!' Dumbledore rushed to his side. 'Severus, what happened?'

Aw, it's ok. I still love you.

Snape raised his head with difficulty and said, in a hoarse whisper, 'Voldemort… barrier down… coming here…' Nasty purple bruises began to sprout upon his face, but the trembling stopped. He grasped Dumbledore's robes and pulled himself up. He stood, swaying slightly with his eyes out of focus, then looked right at all three of them.

Noooo… my Severus is hurt. Let me kiss your boo-boos better…

'Voldemort, he took the anti-Apparition barrier off the castle – he's coming back.' He told them. 'He knows I was working as a spy and tortured me with the Cruciatus curse until I told him how he could get inside the castle. I got back here as soon as I could, but I feared it would be too late. I'm so sorry, Headmaster, I've failed.'

'Severus, you have not failed, he isn't here. Voldemort destroyed Remus' home and they too were able to Apparate here, now we know why.'

Well, what do you know? That completely random piece of information wasn't so random after all…

***

In the very early hours of the next morning, Professor Dumbledore went searching for answers. He wondered if Harry Potter was still safe - Voldemort still hadn't shown up at the castle and he was beginning to wonder why. There were four people there whom he wanted dead, yet no sign of him. He wondered if it wasn't that Voldemort didn't want to come, but that he simply couldn't. Perhaps this was another secret, that there was more to this than what Dumbledore knew. For this reason, he set off in search for answers. Hogwarts had a funny habit of revealing things when you least expected it or when you most wanted it; he hoped this was one of those times.

More random pieces of information to come.

He traveled through the corridors of the first, second, third, fourth and fifth floors, searching each classroom, yet finding nothing helpful. At three o'clock, he decided one more floor would end his search and if he found nothing, it meant there was nothing to be found. He climbed the marble steps to the 6th floor and searched each classroom and broom closet. Nothing… nothing until he reached the south wing and saw there a door he had never seen in his time at Hogwarts. 

I'll bet that's just a random door. No relevance whatsoever.

The door was of battered oak with iron hinges and a large golden lion's head sticking out, but no door handle. Dumbledore approached it cautiously and jumped back when the eyes of the lion snapped open.

'I suppose you want to come in here, do you?' It said.

A talking lion head on a door? Oo-er, how odd.

'Please.' He replied, nervously.

'So, you're the headmaster, then,' the head peered at him.

'Yes… who are you?'

'None of your business, though I'm sure you'll find out someday. You do a good job here, the children seem happy, I suppose I'd say I'm proud. Why do you want to come in here, Headmaster?'

'Looking for some answers.' He replied shortly.

'How can you be sure you'll find them in here? You could find nothing you want or you could find something you don't want.' Albus could've sworn the lion grinned at him.

'I suppose I can't be sure, can I?' He looked the lion straight in its blank, golden eyes. 'Are you going to help me or let me in, or just leave me standing here?'

'You want help, do you? Might be able to sway a deal. It all depends on what you want to know, Albus Dumbledore.'

A _psychic_ lions head? This is getting weird.

'How do you know my… never mind. I need to know about the barriers on this castle and about its protection from evil. If you can help me, I must know, but if you can't, I mustn't waste my time here.'

The lion fell silent for a moment or so, cocking his head to the side and looking the Headmaster up and down, as if sizing him up to see if he was fit to know the answer.

'Very well, Headmaster, you may enter.' The door creaked open slowly, leaving only just enough space for Dumbledore to squeeze in.

It was a small room, but magnificent in a ghostly way. The walls were of stone, but they seemed to contain small specks of gold and silver that shone like stars under the light of the moon. The floors were pure white marble, so white they radiated an eerie blue. There was a single, small window that was so high up, you could barely see outside, yet the moonlight seemed to fill the room all the same.

On one wall, very close to the ground, Albus saw something shadowed in the light. He crouched down to read the words carved in the stone.

Another completely irrelevant piece of advice.

When goodness enters and evil is left behind

For this an answer he will not find

He does not know the secret true

That tells each barrier is of not one, but two

He cannot enter until the one

With blood of the chosen come

And then if that one may choose

To take the protection, it is all that lose

***

A brown owl flew in the window of Albus Dumbledore's office, dropped that day's copy of the _Daily Prophet _on his lap and settled itself on his desk. Dumbledore put on his half moon glasses and read the headline.

Sirius Black, Captured At Last.

Immediately, he crouched down in front of his fireplace, muttered '_incindio_' and threw some purple powder flames. He stuck his head in.

'Remus, Sirius, are you there?'

He heard rustling, yawning, flatulence and finally a voice. 'Mwerf… yeah, I'm here…you got any idea how early it is?' Sirius muttered.

Heh heh heh, wonder what those two were doing…

'It's four am, sorry, but you two need to get to my office as soon as possible.'

'Why?… never mind, we'll be there in a few minutes…'

Dumbledore drew his head from the fire, then threw some more of the powder into it and replaced his head.

'Severus, are you awake?'

'No, go away.' Snape murmured in reply.

Go away, we're busy!

'Severus, I need you to come to my office straight away.'

'No, I'm sleeping…' He sighed and grunted. 'Fine… whatever, I'll be there soon…'

***

'Please, sit down.' Snape shot a nasty look at Sirius as he and Remus sat on the sofa, and then sat on the opposite side of the room.

'I believe I know why Voldemort has not invaded the castle yet.' Dumbledore began. 'This morning, I went searching for answers. I found a chamber that I had never seen if my life and it contained the answer I was looking for. Severus, you said Voldemort removed the barrier of Salazar Slytherin, yet, he has no come here yet. The reason for this is, that each defense was not formed by one founder, but by two. Yes, Slytherin set the anti-Apparition spell on Hogwarts, but another of the four added something to it. This means that it will only barrier will only truly fall once the other descendant has removed the other part of it.' He peered at their confused looks. 'Does this make sense to you?'

Yes, perfect sense. Isn't is just wonderful that you found this all out right when you needed to, no ifs ands or buts about it? Most fortunate

They nodded and murmured. 'But, you don't know which other founder created the other part?'

'No, unfortunately, I don't know. I believe I do know what they did to it. I think whoever did it, strengthened the defense against any sort of Dark wizard. This is why you were able to Apparate here, but Voldemort cannot. The barrier against wizards of good blood is down, but anyone of Dark descent still can't Apparate here. It is rather hard to explain; I hope you all understand me.' He looked around the room again at the sleepy faces. 

'Sirius, this came this morning…' He handed him the copy of the _Daily Prophet_. The moment his eyes fell upon it, his face contorted into shock and confusion.

'Why… how… what the hell is going on?' He cried.

'I don't know, but I do know that Harry will be receiving this soon and I have a feeling it might worry him a bit.' Dumbledore looked sternly at Sirius. 'I want you to write to Harry and tell him I will come to his home to pick him up at three o'clock this afternoon.'

'But, why? He's supposed to be going to Ron's house it a couple days. Plus, he's safe at the Dursley's.'

'I can't explain it, I just have a gut feeling that he's not safe there anymore, nor will he be at the Weasley's home. I think Voldemort will be quite angry about not being able to get in here, and he might go after Harry.'

Sirius bit his lip. 'All right, three o'clock this afternoon then?'

'Yes, there's an eagle owl in the Owlery that should get the letter to him within the hour. I will write to the Molly and tell her Harry can't come, but her children are welcome to come here for the rest of the summer.' Sirius got up to leave. 'Sirius, do tell him not to worry, but tell him not to leave his house. We never know where Voldemort could be.' Sirius nodded and silently exited.

'Severus,' Dumbledore turned to Snape, who was sitting slouched in an armchair, half asleep. 'Go down to Hagrid's cabin and tell him everything.'

'Yeah, sure.' He muttered, then left the office to only Remus and Dumbledore.

'Remus, I suppose I don't really have anything for you to do. Just keep your wits about you. Having the barrier down can work as an advantage to us. If Voldemort does find a way into the castle during the school year, we can perform an Apparition bind on all the students and Apparate out.' He grinned. 'Great little invention of yours, that spell. You never cease to amaze me.' 

Nor I. So smart and sexy all in one, almost as smart and sexy as Mr. Snape. But, that's not important. What is important is that I have no idea what to write about after this. A wee bit of a plot is formed, but it's so fragmented (and stupid) that I'm not sure how to write it… oh well… er… maybe I'll just give up now. Sounds good.


End file.
